Why does maintaining a happy and balanced relationship seem so complex? Because most people don’t know what they want or what they need in order to feel happy and secure.
Relationships always appear to be a very complex topic. However, I’ve found through my own experience that the foundation of a balanced, long-lasting and harmonious relationship is to strive for simplicity and appreciation in the simple things. The more we simplify our relationship, the more zen it becomes.
How do we simplify things? By knowing what our needs are, then ensuring those needs are reasonably met. Equally, you must understand the needs of your partner, and how best to satisfy those needs.
In my view relationships all boil down to communication; men and women are very much out of harmony with each other. It is clear that most men are very different from most women. It is not just the way men or women think that’s different, but also the energy we resonate with is completely different – though there are exceptions to every rule.
Men and women have for the most part different methods of communication. Listing all the communication styles people use is beyond the scope of this article, however as a rough example:
It has been statistically proven that most (not all) men are less emotionally and socially aware than most (again not all) women, and most women are not aware of this fact. So when a man does something small to upset his woman that he may not be aware of (and I’m not talking about obvious things like cheating!) – she assumes his emotional/social awareness is on par with her own and that he should already know that whatever it is he did has upset her, when he doesn’t show signs of remorse – she will give subtle hints to let him know she’s upset. Men on the other hand tend to think a bit like robots and need things to be spelt out as that’s how they communicate amongst themselves. So, he will ask “What’s wrong honey?” and she will respond “NOTHING I’M FINE!!!!” waiting for him to realise and rectify his mistake – which invariably will lead to an argument rather than a fast and effective solution.
I’ve noticed more recently that people seem to be aligning themselves in romantic relationships that lack the essential ingredients to keep both partners emotionally and mentally satisfied. I’ve seen people spring board in and out of relationships several times in a single year. As such I decided to share some of the basics I learnt through study and personal experience.
Essentially, it’s all communication. Think of communication as the glue that holds all the various aspects a relationship needs in order to remain healthy, balanced and in harmony. When we break up communication into specific needs, we get the following list:
- Survival & Security
- Expansion & Growth
- Adventure & Variety
- Worth & Appreciation
- Love & Connection
- Contribution & Giving
Let’s take a closer look at what each of these needs mean…
Survival & Security
The basic need here is related to
Expansion & Growth
When we stop growing, we die; the relationship needs to be in a state of constant growth – intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. It’s not important how quickly the growth happens, so long as it is happening.
Intellectual expansion/growth can be encouraged through any of the following avenues:
- Stimulating discussions on topics of interest
- Brainstorming new ideas for business or pleasure
- Reading books on new topics
- Watching documentaries based on other cultures
- Learning new skills
Emotional expansion/growth is all about finding and understanding new depths to your partner and your own emotions; be creative and find new ways to express yourself and to understand your partners emotional expression.
Spiritual expansion/growth can be achieved in several ways depending upon how open minded you are and what you believe in; for some couples this might be going to church, for others couples, meditation, yoga or going on a retreat together. There are many options for spiritual growth beyond going to your Sunday service at church.
Adventure & Variety
This is the need for surprise, variety and excitement. This need exercises your emotional and physical ranges. Adventures take us out of are normal daily routine and provide different perspectives. If we felt and experienced the same thing every day, eventually we would become numb to the things that give us joy. It is important to experience a variety of emotions – these can be triggered by exposing ourselves to new experiences, such as;
- Seeing a show at the theatre
- Taking a class to learn a new skill
- Going on holiday to a new destination
- Going out dancing to a new place
- Cooking a new dish together
- Eating new and exotic foods
- Role playing during intimacy
- Playing games together
- Doing extreme sports
The list above is a non-exhaustive example – the limit is your imagination.
Worth & Appreciation
This is the need to feel appreciated or special within the relationship. Every person needs to feel wanted and worthy of love. Making your partner feel special is both important and easy; the words “I love you” as well as displays of affection and going out of your way to make them feel special by preparing a surprise dinner. Find new ways to say “I love you” instead of simply saying the words each day.
Love & Connection
Most people don’t understand what makes their partners feel loved and don’t give love in a way that their partner understands. Everyone needs connection with other people and strives for feelings of understanding and love. Feeling connected to your partner is essential, it’s important to understand and be understood – this is the basis of having a connection.
Contribution & Giving
This is going beyond your own needs and giving to your partner in way that you don’t give to others outside the relationship. It’s important to give to your partner in a unique way that differs from how you give to friends or relatives. By giving I’m not strictly referring to material gifts. You can give in many different ways; letting your partner eat the last olive even though you really wanted it yourself, or giving your partner a massage and most importantly – giving your time to your partner.
Summary
All of the above needs are interdependent – for example by meeting the needs of Adventure& Variety you will add value to the need for Growth & Expansion. By meeting the needs in Contribution and Giving, you may also satisfy some of the needs in Love and Connection. This inter-connectedness means that you and your partner will benefit greatly across all needs as you work your way through them.
Most people value two needs above all, these 2 primary needs are the driving force behind a person’s behaviour within a relationship. Take a look at the needs once more and select a primary need that’s important to you, then a secondary need that you feel is important, finally select two more making 4 needs in total. For a relationship to remain alive and thriving the 4 most important needs each partner values must be regularly met.
This is where the default wiring of men and women start to show; most men choose Worth & Appreciation as their primary need, then followed by Adventure & Variety. Women typically choose Love & Connection as their primary need, then Survival & Security as their secondary need. If the needs you chose don’t fit the above then you are one of the few exceptions.
Relationships have to be managed, nurtured and cared for by both partners. By understanding your own needs and the needs of your partner, it becomes easier to build a long lasting and fruitful relationship.
I believe so long as you and your partner are in alignment at the core of who you are (beliefs) and actively work to meet each other’s needs, then you are more likely to keep the love new and everlasting.
A simple exercise you can do right now is to mark on a scale of 1 to 10 how you think your partner meets your needs for each category, then mark how you think you are meeting your partner’s needs based on this list. It’s important to be honest here because you will only short change yourself.
Finally, you should get your partner to complete the same exercise and then you can both compare notes. Don’t be surprised if your scores differ drastically from your partners’. This exercise isn’t the basis to start an argument, rather it must be used as a pivot to shine the light of understanding on each other’s needs in order to bring you closer together; strengthening your bonds and creating a new adventure that’s going to move you both toward a more balanced, happier relationship oozing with that gooey stuff called Love.
Remember that no relationship is perfect, challenges are designed to inspire us to become more, by learning more we are able to give more to each other. No matter how you get there, all paths lead to the same destination – Love.
PS: Use this list to get to know yourself and what’s important to you. Before you can let anyone else try to understand and love you – you should understand and love who you are. Even if you disregard everything else in this article – this should be the one thing you take note of and immediately go to work on.
Thanks for taking the time to read this article, and please – do feel free to comment – I would love to hear some of the ways that your basic needs are met. Or better still, how you meet the needs of your partner.
Until the next time…
Stay positive, stay healthy and stay happy
Your brother,
Andre Zen
The technique is – Observe Sun’s position in horoscope. Calculate Moon’s position from Sun – as in exact degrees.
- Having calculated degrees above, multiply this figure with concerned house (counted from ascendant). For instance – finance will be second house, siblings – 3, education, home, mother – 4, ………… likewise spouse, marriage will be 7 and so on and so forth.
- For an Autistic child the 4th house is important, as it also relates to education and mental buildup – other significations of 4th house is mother, vehicles, properties and so on.
- If a native has dysfunctional health, we will take the lagna (1), if the native has lack of
Divide figure obtained above under (3) by 12 – a Tithi is equivalent to Moon being 12 degrees away from Sun. Dwitiya Tithi will be 12×2=24 degrees. Calculate Tithi and then prescribe remedies.
